What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 07:50
But it wasn’t much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was 9 years of age.
Why do narcissists and especially covert narcissists always play the victim?
Im still living with it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As a woman, what would be you response to a male friend’s offer of a full body massage?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
What can you do if someone makes a false accusation against you?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It was going to be , some day.
Ive learnt so much.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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This is soul school!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We all went to grammer schools
We were not on the streets..
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I waited trembling.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Put me off passion for life!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So whats the point in blame.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She found it foreign!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
Who then, do I blame.?
(And it was in our own minds.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I write beautiful poetry .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was in good health!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But, we were locked up after school.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And i lived it daily.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I don,t even have a pension.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I will be 64.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
All the time i was locked up.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So, i spoilt her more .
She married twice! .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He knew the spot.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She loved him until the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She wouldn,t have been !
I could never make a relationship work though!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I think the readers, may guess!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What did i know ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was scared of men, in general
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I have no regrets .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Comes on , in middle age.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was very sick at this time too.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My family never makes their pension either.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My life is so biszare .
Would this be the day?
I said to her
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was seconnd youngest,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.